Borough Insight

The ballad of a bad hair day

Roses are red
Violets are bluehair cut
Dear Sutton Men
Here’s a message for you

My wife was complaining
That my hair’s a disgrace
But the barbers are shut
All over the place

She said please take a look
At one of our mirrors
And if you don’t smarten yourself up
I’ll be using my scissors

But what can I do?
To correct this domestic disaster
She said hair clippers are the thing
That you should be after

So I searched far and wide
Not much left on the net
But finally, I found
A set I could get

They said they’d transform me
Into a person of style
As illustrated by a picture
Of a groomed man with a smile
They duly arrived
And to my great confusion
When I opened the box
It had combs in profusion

From a number nine comb
Down to a number one
I looked at them all
And thought, what have I done

Which one should I use
That would make me look great
Best take no chances
Let’s start with an eight

So, I called to the wife
Can’t see the back of my head
And as I can’t see it
Will you use the clippers instead?

She wielded the cutters
Like a gay cavalier
But nothing much happened
Apart from a nick to one ear

I said bold steps are needed
Let’s change to comb one
Thats what is required
And will get the job done

Off she started again
Above my neck at the back
And managed to gouge out
A ruddy great track

Without pausing for breath
And without breaking her stride
She carved out a great chunk
Above my ear on the side

And before I could get her
To put the things down
She ran them across
The top of my crown

And like a demon possessed
And without any care
The clippers chiselled out
A great mass of my hair

Stop it I cried
Please stop it because
I now look like the Straw Man
From the Wizard of Oz

I snapped at the wife
Why don’t you do what you’re told
That was a mistake
As I’m now fully bald

And so, Sutton men
From experience I warn
If your wife cuts your hair
Prepare to be shorn.

And what have we learned
From this and from that
Lads let your hair grow
And just wear a hat!

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